Divorce as put by the Oxford English Dictionary:
-
My parents had met in the police force, my father a police officer and my mother as a 'special' officer. They met fell in love, married, had a child which they planned for (me obviously) and then later divorced.
So that's it in black and white, 29 years summed up in one neat paragraph.
Things at the moment are rather messy, neither talk to each other, mother lives in a new house and father lives in the house in which I grew up. It's difficult to try and explain what happened but I suppose its just as succinct to say that they 'fell out of love' which I suppose is probably just as easy as falling in love.
I grew up with the two of them as I think it is fair to say a happy child, I was always smiling, laughing and giggling in my own little world (I think it's fair to say I still am in my own little world). I noticed as I grew up my parents didn't seem normal. I heard that a lot of children had meals sat with their parents. This never happened with me a lot of the time as dad worked shifts and might not have been in the house and when I was older I was given the freedom to cook for myself to become independent and go and come as long as they knew where I was and that I was safe.
My parents taught me like any parent does how to walk, talk, eat. They teach us manners and morals. They teach us and give us the information on how to live life. The one thing that they don't/can't teach us is how to love. This is a lesson that to a certain degree we have to learn ourselves and by watching the most important relationship in our lives, our parents.
I noticed that they never held hands, cuddled on the sofa and kissed rarely, I am obviously not expecting to walk in on them french kissing but to memory not even a kiss on the cheek. I however have grown up a true romantic. Love to me is a rare gift given to us and should be treated with respect. I don't know why I have grown up the almost polar opposite of what I grew up with.
I had moved out of the family home and went back to help my father clear out the gutters and to give them a good spruce up, me and Dad never really spent much time together and I couldn't help thinking what a great day it had been. It was a Thursday and like all Thursdays I had Scouts to go and run with my friends. I said to dad that I had best go as we had finished working and just finished my cup of coffee. It was a lovely day, sun shining and blue skies. He said "best wait for your mom to come home first." That was it. That was the sentence that triggered my mind to start breaking down each word, syllable and try to figure out why I was to stay. This is just the way my mind works, 'Why should I need to stay unless they need to talk to me?', 'Why do they need to talk to me, I don't live here any more' It has to be bad...
We were sat in the garden me and dad when I heard the front door close, he quickly went into the kitchen through the french door as mom walked into the kitchen. Mom stood facing the table as dad talked to her from behind. I noticed the distinct lack of eye contact. Dad asked me to come inside, "this is going to be shitty" I thought to myself, again and again and again. We went into the living room. Dad sat in the 2 seating sofa (Where he always sat), I sat on the left hand side of the 3 seating sofa with my mom on my right (where she always sat). "We've got something to tell you" Dad said. I knew in a heartbeat what they were going to tell me, I knew it was coming. We had not long been to a family get together for my Nan and Granddads Anniversary and all of these little clues shot into my head, in the photo they weren't stood together, they didn't talk to each other... "Your mom has asked me for a divorce".
At that precise moment, I don't know why, like a smarty pants I declared "I knew it!" "I just knew it!" I don't know how proclaiming in some Sherlock Holmes way that I was one step ahead of them or maybe just at the same step. Well I died a little inside, I appreciate how over dramatic that sounds but I assure with all the fiber's of my being that is how I felt. The one solid thing in everyone's life, their parents relationship was now, ended.
It was from that point that they told the rest of the family as friends as I then told my friends and I noticed one thing. No one could help, in an absolutely selfish splurge I wanted people around me to talk to me and help. They couldn't and I quickly realised why. This isn't an every day occurrence. Unless you've been through it before you don't know what to say, which i'm sure is just as hard for the person not able to help as it is for the person seeking solace. I'm sure that my friends felt like this and not for one moment was I angry but more upset if anything that I was putting them in a difficult position.
We move on and it's all over, the money was sorted (and that dragged on for a very long time) and they are now 100% divorced. They live separately & will probably never talk again.
The most important fact is they are still alive. I still have both parents and the rest of my family. The downside is... it still hurts. I noted early that "Love to me is a rare gift given to us and should be treated with respect" and my closest friends will tell you that is what I think.
I am not for one second stating that if my parents had held hands more often or cuddled on the sofa they would still be together. There are parts of their relationship that I don't want to understand as it is their business. The one thing that I have learnt though? Love is like a flower. Flowers need food, water and light. Too much of either of those things and they die. Love isn't something that you can get and take for granted. It needs to be nurtured and cared for, constantly needing attention and giving it time to breath and relax in equal measures but in the same token if you forget to 'feed' it, it will die.
Reading back at what I've written I appreciate that there is no structure to this, no major epiphany that anyone can take away with them, but I do feel a lot better.
The one thing that is important to note is that, you should never feel embarrassed to ask if someone is OK if they are going through a divorce either themselves or in their family.
The one difficult time though is Christmas. That time when people spend their time with family. So what if your family aren't all under one roof like they used to be? Well I can tell you now... It's a shit! The decision of which parent to spend it with is a double edged sword and guess what? You'll never make the right decision! But there is one alternative... tell them balls! visit both of them in the morning and go and spend it with your aunt and get pissed whilst secret spending the whole day wishing things were like they were. That I don't think is going to ever change but there are somethings that I don't think you can fix.
So excuse me for my humbug-ness... but I do enjoy Christmas day but not as much as I used to.
My parents, I love them both, I think that they're happy now, not as happy as they should be but happier than they were. I live in the hope that I can have what they had and hope that it lasts just as long if not longer.
My parents, I love them both, I think that they're happy now, not as happy as they should be but happier than they were. I live in the hope that I can have what they had and hope that it lasts just as long if not longer.
I'm going to try and sum this up, if i can, which I don't think I can...
Marriage is like a 2 week holiday, you have two days of rain and that's all that you can remember, those two days sit in your mind. You ignore the other 12 days of beautiful weather and fun and focus on the bad. Just because its over don't focus on the rain focus on the sun.
Love in my humble single opinion is like this... it's that flower I mentioned, it's precious, and sometimes when things aren't going right you might need to seek help to try to fix it, never give up on it. But. Sometimes things have to come to an end but just make sure you focus on the love that there once was as apposed to the love that no longer exists.
X
